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| Rabbi Shimon Russell |
A few weeks ago, Montreal Beis Yaakov principal, Rabbi
Shneur Aisenstark wrote a guest column for Mishpacha Magazine in which he
gave some startling advice to parents whose children have dropped
observance (popularly known as going OTD – Off The Derech). These young
people often do not stop with that but go on to anti social behavior involving sex,
alcohol and/or drugs.
None of this is
new. Most professionals that work with these troubled young people advise parents very strongly
to give these children unconditional love. Rabbi Aisenstark does not agree. He
insists that there are lines that – when crossed have to be firmly dealt with.
In other words the love cannot be unconditional. Which is what he means by the
title of his column, ‘Not a Hefker Velt’.
Quoting R’ Chaim Kanievsky he said we do
not live in a world where our actions shave no consequences. Parents must
therefore insist on certain lines not being crossed on pain of ultimate
rejection if necessary. Even troubled children have responsibilities says Rabbi Aisenstark adding Yesh Din V’Yesh
Dayan. There are rules and a Heavenly Judge.
Children that are so rebellious to your religious requirements must be eliminated from your lives. That full acceptance comes only with the
acceptance of Torah ideals. The door will be open only at such time that a
child shows consideration for others in the house by at least observing the
rules if not believing in them. Otherwise you love will take place only from
afar.
In the course of his article he says that we don’t really
know why a child goes OTD. I have said in the past that there are indeed a variety of
reasons that young people go OTD. But based on people that work in the field have said - the reasons a young
person goes OTD narrows to two basic ones.
Last week a Rabbi Shimon Russell, a Charedi professional ordained in Lakewood and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LSCW) wrote what can only
be descried as an angry response to Rabbi Aisenstark – even though he said that
he respects him as a Mechanech – a Jewish educator. He has an insider’s view as well as a
professional one. And he completely rejects the notion that what applies to normal Chinuch applies to those that have gone OTD.
They are two different
worlds requiring radically different educational approaches. It is one thing to tell
young people that there are religious boundaries that cannot be crossed without consequences
which will be visited upon them when they are crossed. But someone that has gone OTD is a horse of an entirely different color.
Speaking form his professional experience, Rabbi Russell then says that we in fact know very well why most young people go OTD - citing 2 primary causes. One being that they
suffered abuse or molestation. (The abuse Rabbi Russell speaks of is not just sexual. It can be physical, mental, or even spiritual abuse.)
The former is easy to understand and has been discussed here many
times. When a child is abused, it is usually by someone he knows and trusts. Like a parent, aunt/uncle, older sibling or teacher. And when reporting their abuse they are often disbelieved and sometimes even accused of lying for some vendetta they might have against the accused! When that happens the entire foundation of belief is so shaken that they start thinking everything they were taught is a lie.
The
latter is when a child simply can’t keep up with his class in their
studies. They end up feeling inadequate and unwanted. Sometimes that is caused by a dysfunctional
family situation. And sometimes it is a plain old fashioned learning disability like dyslexia.
Rabbi Russell then chides Rabbi Aisenstark for quoting Gedolim to
support his views - countering that he can quote Gedolim and Chazal that say the
opposite!
The bottom line is that dealing with the OTD phenomenon should
be left to the professionals. Those that have been trained and have experience
working with these young people. It is their advice that should be taken and
not the advice of laypeople – even respected Rabbis and Mechanchim like Rabbi
Aisenstark. No matter how well intended.
I think this good advice in all areas where rabbis are not
experts. For example, it is the experts that should be deciding policy in
matters of reporting sex abuse to the authorities. Because no matter how well intended
the rabbis who say you should go to them first are, they are not trained experts. They cannot therefore possibly see
the entire picture the way a trained professional can. There are those that say that
rabbis can be trained to properly. But that still does not give them the
expertise that a professional has.
I don’t know whether Rabbi Russell would agree with those of
us that advocate reporting sex abuse directly to the authorities. But I have to
believe that he would be consistent with that view based on his experience with
so many young people who because of that have gone OTD.
Rabbi Russell is not
just an experienced professional. He is
Charedi. If as I suspect, this his opinion then I think the rabbinic establishment
ought to listen to him.
